I just finished reading Lynda Barry’s What It Is. I like it. I like the way it’s making me think.
What It Is is part mediation, part story, part art book, part instruction manual. Using verbal narrative, illustration, and collage, it moves through the author’s journey as a creative person. She meanders through the meaning of things — image, creating, writing, expression — and how her relationship with creativity has transpired.
What really got to me was the book’s focus on being a creative person creating for someone else, caught in questions of “Is it good? Do I suck?” I found these questions all too relatable, remembering those moments when I stopped singing out loud, stopped drawing because I wasn’t one of the best artists in the class, or, conversely, kept playing music because I was “good enough.” Creating for me — and I think for most people — is rarely a self-focused activity; rather, it ends up being about feedback, approval, and status.
Barry moves, at the end of What It Is, to a kind of guidebook geared towards getting the reader to write and create. The focus is not on an end point, but rather on writing as a way of relating experiences and images. I especially like her recommendation to just keep writing without judgment, and keep the pen moving, even if that means just writing the alphabet. The emphasis on here is on writing as a creative act, rather than a thinking act.
That got me thinking about my own relationship with creativity. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of embroidery — something about fabric and thread appeals to me as a medium for altering my physical environment. Everything I embroider, though, is someone else’s pattern (although I really love them). There’s wiggle room in figuring out colors and stitches, but even them I’m always looking elsewhere, researching “how to use embroidery stitches.”
Somewhere between second grade and now, my creative process stopped being about having fun, and became about what others would think. It stopped being a personal creative exercise and became recognition-based. It shows up in little ways, like only singing really loud when I’m alone (definitely not in front of my opera singer boyfriend), or feeling like I need a recipe to cook, or a pattern so that I can knit or embroider.
Here’s my question: When did I stop trusting myself? When did creating stop being about me — that feeling of doing something awesome in the moment — and become about feedback and doing things “right”? I’m tempted to ask what it would mean to trust myself again, but I’m going to go even further: What would it feel like to trust my creative impulses? To just sit down with a tea towel and embroider all purple circles if I felt like it, or pick up my flute and just make some sounds, or trust my writing enough to actually do it and send it to people I love?
I’ve come to the conclusion that my relationship with creativity isn’t going to go anywhere until I start trusting myself again, and insisting that I deserve to take joy in my creative process and that that pleasure is its purpose. I think that’s going to mean loving myself enough to give myself permission to not judge what I’m doing, and give myself the gift of letting go of that internalized critical voice. And I’m not talking love as in self-esteem “Yay, you’re great.” I’m talking about, hey, it would feel really good to take a half hour to just drink a cup of tea, write and doodle, so ok, ready set go.
So, thanks Lynda Barry! I’m looking forward to the journey I’m embarking on with myself.
great introspective post. i hope it propels you into greatness … for yourself, of course!
We just got that book into the bookstore I work at and I flipped through it the other night. Being a creative writer I deal with the issues Barry addresses and I think she approached it in a great way. You’re right–it is about trusting oneself. And self-confidence, really. I’m really thinking about buying the book just because it’s so beautifully done though!
Wow lady that was … for lack of a less cheesy word… beautiful! First order of business: take that cup of tea break… Second order of business: go make something! :)
Seriously, I think I really needed that! Thanks! I’ll have to go poking around for that book.
I didn’t know Barry had a new book out–what good news.
But, I’d also observe that your blog looks to me like a very creative endeavor. What a great name–Knitting with Carrots–and the photo at the top always gives me a fun jolt when I come to this site.
Seems to me that through it you already “trust my writing enough to actually do it and send it to people I love” and even out further to those of us you don’t know. That takes a lot of boldness and desire to do something for the sheer pleasure of self-expression.
But I know what you mean about getting frustrated with one’s dependence on other people’s patterns, directions, recipes.
I’m internally jumping and down at work for you Kate! Such wonderful revelations… Yay for doing things just because they feel good…like playing the clarinet for its tonal quality and watercolors that feel good under the brush… I need to do more of that. I <3 you.
Every wrote of this post makes sense to me as a creator…or wanna be.
Hey Kate, it’s Sarah (it’s so weird to go by that now) from Mayfield. Just dropping by to say I love your new blog (makes me want to knit. And cook. Things that aren’t scrambled eggs because they’re easy).
As far as creativity goes, it’s hard. I am now unemployed, but financially secure to the point where I can devote most of my time editing my novel. In theory, of course. The point, of course, is to somehow parlay my creativity into a semi-lucrative (and by lucrative, I mean, “enough to get by”) career. Finding a balance between “what will sell” and “the book of my heart” is difficult and if I’m not careful, could very quickly devolve into “but what will other people think?” The problem, of course, is selling any creative work for money always has to consider that question, as much as I don’t want to. One of the first questions my critique partner asked me was “What audience are you writing for?” I’m writing for myself, or more specifically, I’m writing for my 11-year-old self, the one who was obsessed with His Dark Materials and Frances Hodgson Burnett and India. She reiterated, “What audience are you writing for?”
Good things to consider. Great post!
(I have a semi-new blog as well, if you can’t tell from the link. :))
What it is is on my wish list!
Oh I love this post so much. You really hit a few nails on the head. Creativity SHOULD be about self expression for the self and of the self . I am all too guilty of worrying about feedback, approval, and status and that might just be the reason why I have stopped doing arty crafty things of late.
I should moan at you for giving me another book to add to my wish list but the sneak preview inside and the front cover was enough to make me want it before I even read your post.
:)
I gave you a blog award! You can check out the details on my blog.
wonderful post. I’m so glad you shared, and I have to add, don’t give up on the things you love just because you’re not “As good” as someone else. For all you know you’re the best and the people who have to say something are the ones who have no taste…funny how that works.